The Last Thing You Forget
by featheredarrow
Summary: No one stays at the top forever, and if anyone knows that from a firsthand experience, it's Tegan. Trigger warning for emotional/physical abuse, drug/alcohol use & suicide mention in future chapters.
1. Symmetry

Tegan's POV. Italics indicate internal thought, while italics + bold indicate text messages.

* * *

"**_I really am just so happy about you being alive. Please don't die unexpectedly._**"

Hahahahaha. What a joke. What a fucking joke.

"**_I was happy with you. Really truly actually happy. For the first time._**"

Fuck, this is funnier than Saturday Night Live. Holy shit.

"**_It was supposed to be me and you. You were supposed to be the one I ended up with. After Stacy decides I'm not good enough, I'm supposed to come home to you, but you're fucking it all up once again, Tegan._**"

It takes everything I have not to throw my phone across my filthy excuse of an apartment and against the window. My whole body feels like it's on fire and I need to extinguish it, quickly. It's not the outside, it's the inside- my heart is a house, that's been doused in gasoline and been set on fire by the person who inhabited it for as long as I can remember. Then again, all the stupid shit I did when said person left probably damaged something in my head, so my memory's not too great at the moment. However, I can remember every single moment that I shared with that fucking person. The secret kisses, the sweet text messages, the angry passive-aggressive fights, everything.

I mean, it wasn't even fair- I didn't even do anything. I honestly didn't do anything, she fucked it all up. She was the one who said "no", she was the one who broke me, she was the one who left me on the floor the day she said she was leaving for good; at any given moment, she could of stopped but she "needed" to leave. Bullshit, for what? Some fucking girl who rarely gave you the light of day at the beginning but then realized what a great idea it would be to steal you away from me, the person who's been hopelessly in love with you for how long? The person who would literally give an arm and a leg for you? The person who has been through Hell and back, just to see you smile once, even with all the bullshit you put me through? _Jesus fucking Christ._

My head hurts from all the thinking and just when I was about to forget about it all by pouring myself a glass of liquor, my phone buzzes. I freeze in my tracks as I stop to determine if it's a text or a call, judging by the absence of another buzz- but it continues. So it's a call, it's probably Mom or Lindsey, the girl I've been fucking around with to forget about the girl who destroyed me in the first place. I didn't even bother to check the contact information before I swiped across my phone to pick it up.

"It's Tegan, how may I-" Before I could even say anything, the voice on the other side interrupts and my stomach drops. I could feel all the color drain from my face the second I recognize that voice.

"Tegan, it's Sara. Please listen to me. I'm in Vancouver, and I need to talk to you. Now. It's urgent."


	2. Symmetry II

Sara's POV. Italics indicate internal thought.

* * *

It had been...seven years? No. It couldn't of been that long. There's no way. I don't know. I don't really know anything anymore, but I do know that I'm four blocks away from Tegan's apartment complex. I'm four blocks away from my sister. I'm four blocks away from the girl I loved more than myself. I'm four blocks away from the person I haven't seen in seven years. I'm four blocks away from the girl I sent into a cold exile with emotional shrapnel, resulting from my self-destructive explosion.

_Fuck. What the fuck am I doing? What am I doing?_ My hands turn into fists and my knuckles turn as white as the snow on the ground. The crunch of the snow also matches the way my mind feels- constant and relentless crunching. Eventually, my pace slows down as my heart rate picks up the exact moment my eyes meet the skyscraper-like apartment complex in downtown Vancouver. Apparently, Tegan lived here. I heard she was doing well from Mom, but I didn't expect her to be doing this well...I can already guess that her living arrangement makes mine look like a cardboard box. Even with my sunglasses on, it looks super high-end.

My heart rate begins to skyrocket and my hands are already sweating through my gloves before I can notice it. I haven't even reached into my pocket to fish my phone and the small piece of paper that has Tegan's cellphone number scribbled on it yet and I'm already a wreck.

_How the fuck am I supposed to deal with telling her what happened, why I'm here or even seeing her without losing my shit? Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. Stop. Calm down. You can do this. You're already in too late, you were already in when you ordered that plane ticket to Vancouver from LA at 4 in the morning so Stacy wouldn't find out. You can't go back. You can't go back to LA, you can't go back from seeing Tegan. Calm the fuck down Sara. Dial the number. Dial. It._

With shaky hands and my stomach in countless knots, I do as I tell myself, no matter how much my body protests it with this never-ending anxiety.

(604) - _My hands can't stop shaking._

237 - _I feel sick. I feel like my intestines are coming up. I can't do this._

8194 - _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I can't do this. I can't do this._

I stare at the green 'Dial' button for what feels like an eternity. There are several passerbys walking past me and I feel like they're all staring at me. Of course they'll take a look at the small woman wearing sunglasses in the middle of winter. I look up at the building and close my eyes. _I never wanted it to be like this, Tegan. You know I never wanted it to be like this._

I hear it. The ringing tone.

One._ I'm sorry Tegan._

Two._ I don't know what I'm doing here._

Three. _I never meant to hurt you._

Four. _I still love you. So much._

I feel the blood rush from my head and my skin turn white as I hear her voice. I feel like I'm going to pass out. I feel like I'm going to die.

"It's Tegan, how may I-" If I don't say it now, I won't say it at all. I throw it all up. I feel like I can't even speak but I do it anyways.

"Tegan, it's Sara. Please listen to me. I'm in Vancouver, and I need to talk to you. Now. It's urgent."


	3. Introvert

Tegan's POV. Italics indicate internal thought.

* * *

"Tegan, it's Sara."

_No. Not now._

Just hearing Sara's voice jump started a chain reaction that had been impending for months, maybe even years. The air escaped out of my lungs as if I was placed in outer space, and my vision went dark for a split second. I lost all control of my right hand, that held the glass I was about to set on the counter but it didn't matter now. It shattered into tiny, indistinguishable pieces and it was almost like the world was mocking me by creating a mess that reminded me of myself way too much. My left hand felt like it was incredibly heavy and super glued to my phone.

"Please listen to me. I'm in Vancouver, and I need to talk to you."

_No. No. Not ever._

How in the blue fuck is she in Vancouver? How the fuck did she find my number? How the fuck is she here, in the same goddamn city I moved away to when she fucking broke me? How the fuck does she know anything about my life? I explicitly told Mom not to tell her anything about me anymore. She doesn't know that we broke up, of course, but rather that we were incompatible and would rather live our lives as two, not one. Isn't that how the song goes, Sara? My head gets the biggest rush I've ever felt and I can already start to feel the massive, throbbing pain it's going to begin causing. If I don't do something, I'm gonna fucking explode.

"Now. It's urgent."

_No. No. No. Not again. _

Silent. The line went silent and the only thing I could hear is the sound of my heart pounding against the bones that were its makeshift cage. For what felt like an eternity, it was just my heartbeat; I wouldn't be surprised if the neighbors thought I was fucking, because it's so fucking loud but only if they knew. If only they fucking knew. Before I could even think about what to do, my hands do it for me. I couldn't even interpret what happened until I realized what made the picture frame in my living room suddenly fragment into cracked glass- it was my phone colliding with it. I hope she hears that. I hope she hears that and the only thing she can make out of it is how it sounded exactly when she broke my heart.

Panic quickly consumed my body and mind, before I could take a breath. My hands frantically grabbed my coat and keys that were placed on the table right next to my door as my feet quickly slid into my shoes without any extra effort. I had everything I needed, besides my phone of course, but that wasn't important right now. What is important right now? I'm fucking panicking. My hands are shaking. My vision is blurred. I feel like I'm drunk- God, I wish I was. I wish I was blackout drunk so I wouldn't have to deal with this or my emotions, or my fucked up state of being, or my shit life.

I step out of my apartment, shut the door behind me and quickly walk down the hall. I really hope no one sees me like this. "Did you see Tegan walking out of her apartment the other day? Her eyes were teary and she was shaking." Stay in your apartments. Please. Don't look at me. Please. Pretend I don't exist. Please. I don't exist. I wish I didn't exist. My mind took a turn to darker thoughts that haunted me only at night, even though it was day outside. It took a lot for them to show their face in the light, but here I am- frantically walking, almost running down the hallway of my apartment complex, not having a clue where I'm going, with blurred, teared up eyes and shaky hands.

_Snap out of it. Find the elevator. Go to Lindsey's. Just leave this place. Get out of here. Get out. Leave. Go._

As I come up with a half-assed game plan in my head, I almost forgot to look to the left for the elevator. The hallway had ended before I knew it, and the elevator doors should be to the left while the door to the staircase is to the right, but I don't even see them- I just see the cream-colored down arrow button through my blurry vision and slam it like a toddler would when they run out of their parents' reach. Standing still in front of the double doors, or what at least looks like the double doors of the metal cage, I try to process what just happened within the last 10 minutes but I can't. Shutting my eyes to concentrate on my thoughts proved to be a difficult task. They're driving me to self-destruction, they are driving me to escape. I can't do this. I can't have her in my life again, at any cost. I can't do it.

The doors ding, signaling that I should step forward and enter the square metal shuttle, but not before quickly wiping my eyes dry in case someone was inside. At least my vision is a little better now, since I don't have those damn tears in the way. I take a step forward as I see the doors open in front of my feet and tilt my head up to look ahead and face whoever was in it.

I shouldn't of looked up.

I should of known.

I stand frozen in fear.

_I should of taken the fucking stairs._


	4. Introvert II

Sara's POV. Italics indicate internal thought.

* * *

I waited for her to say something. _Say something, Tegan. Say something- anything. Say. Something._

When I hear the slightest of noise, my heart flutters in the middle of its rapid beat. However, it turns into a double bass drum beat when my ears recognize the loud eruption of glass shattering, followed by a thump and the line being cut short.

43 seconds. That's how long the phone call between Tegan and I lasted. The reaction she provided with me on the other line was not short of what I expected, but I am surprised at her lack of words. Tegan was always one to say something, no matter what the timing was. First, middle, last thing. Right, neutral, wrong thing. She always said something about the topic. She was passionate about getting her opinions and beliefs across. I loved that about her.

43 seconds. It took 43 seconds to break 7 years of absolute no-contact and what I think was glass.

The moment I heard the line being cut short- probably due to what was Tegan's phone being thrown against a window or something glass- I immediately pushed the revolving door to the apartment complex's lobby. _Revolving door. How fancy._

Pushing as fast as I could without making a scene or disturbing the other people inside the circle that was just as anxious to get out as I was, I felt a sudden sense of anxiety and panic come up in my stomach. It was typical of me to get this particular feeling when I saw Tegan. Especially when we were together; and even when we lived together. It was something I didn't have with Stacy and I knew I could never have with Stacy, no matter how much I wanted it to happen.

The urge to take off my sunglasses to get a better look of the luxurious building almost caused me to do so, but I realized I couldn't. Not here. Not now. Not until I see Tegan. I scanned the lobby quickly, taking only a couple seconds to find the desk that I was looking for. The slip had said "Apartment #502" but I just wanted to make sure.

"Excuse me, sir?" My voice cracked at least three times within the three words I managed to mutter. _Jesus fucking Christ._ The young man at the counter sprung into action from his seat- obviously bored out of his mind, and quite possibly, a bit startled at my sudden sentence, he didn't hesitate to speak. Unlike me.

"Yes, ma'am? What can I help you with?" _Hm. Late 20's? Early 30's? No. Teenager. College. The __pitch of voice was too high to be early 30's. Quit analyzing people._

"I just wanted to confirm that Apartment #502 belonged to Tegan Quin? I'm her twin sister and not entirely sure if my mother's handwriting says 4 or 5." He doesn't even pause to look down at the computer system that listed everyone's apartment number, and everything related to it. _We didn't have that in LA. Vancouver's weird. Maybe it's just this high-end building, who knows._ I start to doze off in order to calm my nerves but he quickly snaps me out of it by confirming my statement.

"Yes, she does. There is an elevator to the right of this desk, and right next to the elevator entrance is the door to the staircase." _What a nice boy._

"Thank you." Without skipping the beat that my heart pounded out, I turned on my heel and briskly walked to the elevator that was perpendicular to the desk. I looked at the door to the staircase,

pondering if I should take them. The walk up to the fifth floor would calm me down. No, it wouldn't. I'd collapse in a heap of sweat and panic and I'd probably die of a heart attack and no one would know. _Take the elevator, it's faster and she wouldn't know._ My body had answered before my mind could, seeing that I pressed the button before I knew I did.

The door quickly opened and I walked inside, waiting until they shut behind me to slam the fifth floor button and to back up into the corner of the small shuttle. I gripped the handrails beside me as if I was holding on to them for dear life. As the elevator moved up, so did my ever impending anxiety attack.

Floor 2. My gloved hands slid against the handrail as I hyperventilated.

Floor 3. _Let it out, Sara. Let it all out before she sees you._ My eyes shifted down to the floor.

Floor 4. The blood surged to my head as I throw my fist against the steel metal floor in order to calm down. The pain radiated through my hand to my body and I felt myself regain some control due to the efflux of adrenaline I just provided myself.

Floor 5. _This is it. This is it. Seven years. I told you I'd come home. I'm coming home, Tegan._

I quickly brush my hands against my coat to shake off any snow or particles that fell on me and to make myself presentable. The doors will open at any moment, and then I will walk to apartment number 502 and see the girl that I love while I beg for her forgiveness and love. The doors open in the middle of my internal recital of the game plan I had stored away for years and my vision tilts up from my coat and shoes, looking straight ahead to face whoever was waiting.

I shouldn't of looked up.

I should of known.

I stand frozen in fear.

_I should of taken the fucking stairs._


	5. No One Stays At The Top Forever

3rd person omniscient) POV. Narrator and such. Not too sure if I will continue using this point of view.

* * *

It was as if time had stopped dead in its tracks the moment that the elevator doors had opened, causing Tegan and Sara's blurry gazes to meet. Seven years of heartbreak had ended with one unintended stare. Seven years of bad decisions, seven years of near-death experiences, seven years of fucked living had ended in just a couple seconds. It felt like seven years was passing by as they stood mere feet from each other, both frozen in fear.

However, the slow-motion feeling ended abruptly as Tegan sprung into action and bolted through the staircase door behind her. Sara, still shocked by what had just happened, didn't realize that Tegan just disappeared again until she heard the slam of the door and the sight of the elevator doors beginning to close.

"Tegan!" Sara yelled as she jumped through the split doors and crashed against the exit Tegan just escaped from. Her eyes frantically searched down the stairs for Tegan or Tegan's trail but it was no use as she heard the loud thud of her twin's footsteps, ascending at such a fast pace. The small panic attack in the elevator had provided Sara with enough adrenaline to quickly walk, almost hover over the staircase.

Tegan's vision didn't let her get much far as she wanted to be. It was hard to go down five flights of stairs- let alone one- with a blurred, obscure vision. She had only made it past one whole level without tripping down or making a bigger fool of herself. Hurry up, she's coming, her conscience screamed.

Sara nearly threw herself over the rails, trying to find where Tegan was and how far away she had gotten. She was right in front of her just seconds ago, and now she's nearly two stories down. If Tegan gets away now, she'll never see her again. Tegan had the capability to escape for days, months even, if needed to. She could escape to a friend's house or a hotel, or even inside her mind. Seeing Tegan emotionally gone was one of the worst things Sara had to endure. Hurry up, she's going, Sara's internal voice reprimanded her for not catching up sooner.

For how emotionally broke down Tegan was at the moment, her physical state was impeccable. She had just cleared two stories and was about to clear another with tear-blinded eyes and shaking legs. It was a surprise that she hadn't fallen over or tripped on stairs yet. As Tegan ran down the stairs, she looked ahead at the concrete walls to see the floor marker and nearly lost her breath as she saw that she was on the second floor. Just two more staircases and I'm out, I'm out and gone, I'm away from her. Tegan nearly let out a nervous squeal, knowing that she was almost to the finish line.

Unfortunately, for Sara, her asthma had overtaken her. Right as Sara cleared the third floor, she felt the too familiar sensation of her lungs constricting. If she stopped now, she risked losing Tegan for what could be forever. If she kept going, she risked collapse. She couldn't stop now, not after doing all this. She couldn't stop and catch her breath after flying to Vancouver in the dead of the night, dodging Mom's incessant questions about their "broken sisterly" relationship, and not after seven years of not explaining to the person who mattered most to her. Sara didn't have time- she didn't have time to slow down, she didn't have time to walk down another flight of stairs, she didn't have time to catch her breath, she didn't have time. With closed eyes, Sara took a risk and leaped over the third floor's handrail and prepared to feel the harsh concrete landing. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't as hard on her ankles as she expected- regardless of it hurt or not, it didn't matter right now. She was one staircase away from Tegan.

Tegan reacted to the loud thud of Sara jumping onto the staircase behind her and nearly lost her composure as she saw her one flight of stairs behind her. She barely had any time to move forward as Sara rushed down the stairs. At this point, there was only one more staircase left to reach the exit out to the lobby and then out of the apartment building in its entirety. Just one more staircase and Tegan would be out. The knowledge of knowing Tegan was almost done and gone, and also knowing that Sara was right behind her, gave her a huge adrenaline rush. She felt it surge through her veins and felt like she was on fire. Just one more staircase, she screamed in her head and jolted ahead. However, the moment she lunged forward with all her might and weight, was the same moment that Sara suddenly and harshly grabbed Tegan's shoulders and threw her against the concrete wall.

"No!" Before Tegan could decide, she pushed Sara away with all of the power she was about to use to essentially jump over the last staircase and make her daring escape. Through watery eyes, she saw Sara move back and was going to make another break for the door, but it was too late. Sara wasn't going to let Tegan go that easily. Once again, Sara grabbed her twin's shoulders and pinned her against the cold, cinder block wall; this time, Sara made sure she could feel the impact with the wall, that radiated through Tegan's body through her shoulders. She also wedged her small feet in front of her older twin's as a deterrent if she tried something else.

Tegan was stuck. She was absolutely stuck between a rock and a hard place, Sara being the latter of course. Before Tegan could look up to face her, Sara jerked her head to the side. Her sunglasses flew off and she looked straight into Tegan's eyes. Sara's face only made her eyes water more, if not double the amount. Sara had never looked this weak before. Her right eye was black and blue, obviously from a punch. It looked like she had stayed up for months, with the dark circles underneath her hazel eyes. Tegan's heart jumped as her eyes met Sara's, just like it always did when they were together. Just as Tegan was going to utterly collapse into a mess of sobbing and snot, Sara cut the silence with her voice.

"Tegan, look at me! Look at my fucking face! Do you think I wanted this?! It's been seven years since I left and does this look like I wanted any of it?! Tell me! Tell me you think I wanted this! I never fucking wanted any of this, Tegan- do you understand that?! Answer me, Tegan!" Sara grabbed Tegan's shoulders and pulled her off the wall to shake some sense into her, but her actions were too late. The moment the younger twin pulled her identical but older twin away from the concrete bricks, her eyes rolled into the back of her head as she began to fold backwards.


End file.
